Looking Back

I was driving down a dark road earlier tonight. It was dark, but it had been awhile since I'd been down that road. When I came to the spot, the memories came rushing back. It'd funny how some things latch into your mind, and it's strange the details the mind deems necessary to recall. In that spot on that road almost 10 years ago I was in the worst accident I've ever had. My 2nd daughter was in the back seat, safely buckled into her car seat (thank goodness). My car had a driver's side airbag and I was wearing my seatbelt. We walked away from the crash whole. But the scars on the mind can sometimes be greater than those that may be visible.

I remember that I was heading up to work at my husband's land, I wanted to cut a few select trees down to make room. I had goats up there at the time. My mother in law was bringing my eldest daughter there after having her overnight. I had a small gas can in the trunk, along with a chain saw and various other paraphernalia. The girl I hit was coming towards me and tried to make a left turn... directly in front of me. There was absolutely nowhere I could have gone, nothing I could have done to avoid the accident. Even the police officer said the only way I might have avoided it would have been to stay home. I drove a Ford Beretta at the time, in retrospect a great car with high safety ratings. I hit the girl's truck just behind her passenger door. The front of my car was completely crushed from the impact. My hands were thrown away from the steering wheel by the airbag. My left hand hit the windshield and cracked the glass, my left arm hit the window column between the drivers window and the windshield. My car limped/rolled into a ditch at the side of the road... about 10 feet from a fire hydrant. I didn't pass out, the car was still running (I was shocked) so I turned the engine off. I thought it was smoke I was seeing, but later found out that the airbag has a powder in it to make sure it will deploy.

As soon as I got a few wits about me I got out of the car (it couldn't have been more than a moment), I pushed the drivers seat forward and unbuckled my baby, who wasn't but about a year of age or less. I remember I walked around behind the car, clutching my daughter, shaking and telling DD that it was "okay" as I literally crumpled to the ground. My legs could not hold me up. It was as though I had the strength to get her out of the car, but then everything just failed. The other driver hovered around me apologizing like crazy. I remember that my arms hurt, I was holding the baby with my arms, not my hands. When the paramedics arrived they tried to take the baby to check her over and I did not want to let her go. I remember that everyone was making herculean efforts to keep me calm, I think they knew that I was so much on the edge of hysteria and genuinely tried to keep me calm. It was my first, and last, major automobile accident. I truly hope it stays that way.

We had a lot of trouble getting DD2 into a car seat for several weeks after the accident. She was, fortunately, completely unharmed. The other driver pleaded guilty to her charge of failure to yield. I was 21 years old at the time, she was 17, definitely too young to inadvertently cause the death of a young mother and child. I'm grateful everyday that everything was 'right' and that accident yielded nothing more than a few bone contusions on my arms and a totaled vehicle.