Lonely

I know for a lot of people, time by themselves is common. For me, the mother of many, extended time alone is extremely rare, and not entirely desirable. I find that I do get lonely, very much so, when my children and partner are not home. Especially when they are gone overnight. Of course, the current youngest is still home with me, but it's not exactly stimulating conversation when you're conversing with a toddler. The nights are always the hardest, I find myself putting the youngster to bed, then bringing her out of it when I retire myself so that the loneliness is held at bay. That and she also provides a valuable service as bedwarmer, in spite of her night-time restlessness.

I find lately that I try more and more to live in the present and not think about the immediate future. Depression is altogether too close for me to bear thoughts that inevitably lead to it's return. And the future is altogether too bleak to consider at this time. Based on the current economic instability, I can expect to go back out into the workforce and start from the beginning. It doesn't seem to matter how much education I have behind me or how much experience in my chosen field. The companies out there are struggling to survive and with them, their employees. So I look around me and wonder, are there any safe avenues to pursue? The medical field? Government workers? Is anyone really safe? And in the meanwhile, while pondering these potentially life altering queries, how will I pay my bills in a few months, especially if I'm incapacitated with a newborn. If I must lower myself to taking a job at a significantly lower rate of pay, how will I afford to pay for childcare? I'm sure it is evident how these unending questions can quickly lead to a depressing mood and improper ability to find restful slumber at night. So I hack away trying to find something, anything that will pay the bills, and avoid all consideration of what will happen if something doesn't break for me soon.