On Losing a Loved One

Have you ever noticed that when you find out the news, that a family member has passed away whom you had known very well, even if you hadn't seen/talked with them in a long while, that it brings all the memories crashing back, and inevitably, regret. Today I learned that my paternal grandmother had passed away on Tuesday. My father apparently did not feel it to be a momentous enough occasion to inform me or my other brother directly, even though he was present when she passed, for which I am glad, truly. However he informed my eldest brother and left it to him to pass the information along to the rest of us. A bit cowardly in my opinion, though perhaps, just maybe, he was overcome with grief and was not able to make those necessary calls. I honestly don't believe it really.

Family strife aside, I miss my grandmother. Even though I hadn't seen her in a decade. Even though I had made the decision a few years ago not to seek her out for reasons that, at the time, seemed viable. Even though she had dementia and would not have recognized me anyway (decade of years aside and all). Even though I had seen photos of her before and had (selfishly) thought that I would not wish to taint my memories of her as I remember with those of her as she had become. I look back through my childhood and remember her idiosyncrasies. I developed my strong feminist attitude because of her. The cedar Hope chest behind me came from her and my grandfather as my 'coming of age' gift at 13.

My grandmother died from breast cancer. Now, this might cause me alarm except that she developed it as a side effect of certain medications she took when she was younger. She was still cognitive when she was diagnosed, she refused to allow treatment. So we all knew it was a mere matter of time. In all honesty, she lived much longer than probably would have been expected, given her condition. She also lived with cirrhosis of the liver for nearly 3 decades. I can only barely remember when my grandmother could walk unassisted. But I remember how much she loved me, her only granddaughter for a long time.